European Union Threatens Sanctions After Watching Last Night’s Debate


Republican presidential candidates, from left, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, former New York Gov. George Pataki, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, businessman Donald Trump, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, businesswoman Carly Fiorina, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie take the stage during the CNN Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum on Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2015, in Simi Valley, Calif. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – The European Commission, the executive branch of the European Union, met in emergency session in Brussels this morning to discuss possible sanctions against the United States if it looks like a Republican might win the White House in 2016.

President Jean-Claude Juncker explained to journalists after the meeting that member nations were alarmed by what they saw on CNN.

“We all saw clips of the first debate on Fox News, and after a brief meeting we decided that is was just more of that organization’s propaganda,” said Juncker. “But after last night, it seems that the GOP is seriously proposing that one of these clowns should be president of the United States.


President Juncker declined to say what form the sanctions might take, but stressed that Europe would “do everything in its power” to prevent another dimwit from taking office.

“I was on the phone all morning long with panicked leaders from all over Europe, and I think I can speak for the entire continent when I say that we don’t want any of these fucked-up individuals to have the authority to launch nuclear weapons.

“Half of them are religious kooks and the other half don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Juncker, as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“We’d like to make it clear that this is not an indictment of the American people in general. We all have faith that the last thing Americans want is to put another hick in charge that will throw another land mass into chaos like Bush and that demon from hell Cheney did the Middle East. But we have to err on the side of caution and be ready to impose strict sanctions in the unlikely event that America loses its collective mind and tries to elect one of these idiots.”

President Juncker did not specify what form the sanctions might take, saying that the specifics were yet to be determined. However, he did say that European leaders would be “pulling out all the stops” to prevent the world from being subjected to another moron in the White House.


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