DeKalb County To Overhaul Burglary Squad

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – After the latest in a string of fiascos perpetrated by the DeKalb County Burglary Response Unit, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation has recommended that the unit be completely revamped and manned with new personnel who are actually able to differentiate their asses from holes in the ground.

The decision was made to reorganize the unit after three officers decided to storm a dwelling near downtown Atlanta on Monday like members of Seal Team 6 attacking an Afghan village.

Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials said DeKalb County Police Department received a report of a suspicious person Monday night in a southeast Atlanta neighborhood where many of the single-story homes look similar.

“All the houses down there have roofs and front doors,” said Lieutenant Martin Chowderhead of DeKalb County’s Ass Covering Unit. “It can be very confusing.”

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This is not the first time the Burglary Squad has caused a stir. In April the team plowed into a group of schoolchildren on a field trip to Fernbank Science Center while pursuing a woman who had stolen a water pistol from a toy store. Seven kids were killed and a dozen more seriously injured.

Three officers arrived at the residence and attempted to contact any occupants in the home. When no contact was made, the officers went to the back of the home and gained entry to it through a screened porch. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation said police went through a “reportedly unlocked door.”

Upon entry, the officers encountered a dog.

Following their training as police officers, the two officers fired without hesitation at the approach of a living mammal. No thought was given that a burglarized home would probably not contain a fucking live barking dog. The animal was killed almost instantly in hail of gunfire, but the cops’ blood lust was not quite quenched.

When the owner of the home appeared to find out who had murdered his family pet, the officers let fly with another volley, shooting the innocent man in the leg and wounding one of their own in the abdomen.

In a statement, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation said, “Early investigation indicates that the injured officer was likely shot accidentally by one of the other officers on the scene, who were firing wildly at anything that fucking moved.”

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The squad has over time garnered the reputation of a group of dolts who often inadvertently kills those whom it is charged to protect. “I’d rather be captured by the Taliban than be rescued by the Burglary Squad,” said DeKalb County resident Morris Goldblatt. “It’d be much safer.”

The injured officer, who was taken to the hospital, is in “serious but stable condition,” said Steven Fore, a DeKalb County Police spokesman. The officer “lost a lot of blood” Monday, but will likely survive to be awarded the DeKalb County Medal of Valor for Courage in the Face of Unarmed Civilians, said Cedric Alexander, DeKalb County’s public safety director.

However, GBI spokesman Scott Dutton said it was too early in the investigation to determine exactly who fired the gunshots. Dutton said he did not know whether anyone in the home was armed beside the police officers, and just because no firearms were found in the home or within a one mile radius of the site that did not mean that some crafty undocumented worker from Mexico or even a space alien could have been involved.

GBI officials said there is no evidence the residents had committed any crimes in their entire fucking lives and were watching television when the Burglary Squad swooped in on them like Force 10 from Naverone.

The homeowner, who was shot in his leg, was treated at a hospital and released. His name was not released and he declined to comment, because he intends to sue the fuck out of DeKalb County.

DeKalb County Police asked its friends at the  Georgia Bureau of Investigation to take over the investigation into the incident so it would appear to the public that a higher authority was actually doing something constructive to protect the citizens of DeKalb from brain-damaged, trigger happy police officers.

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A study commission by the Georgia House of Representatives found that over the last five years the Burglary Squad has caused three dozen deaths and over 17 million dollars worth of damage to infrastructure and private property in and around DeKalb County.

In a statement released Tuesday, the bureau said after the investigation is completed, “it will be turned over to the district attorney for any action the district attorney deems appropriate.”

The three officers who perpetrated the debacle, Officer Mike Dimbulb, Officer Titus Dullard, and Sergeant Billy Joe Numbnuts were reassigned to desk duty while the investigation is active.

Officer Fore told 11 Dead or Alive News that Chief Cedric Alexander originally wanted to assign the nitwits to janitorial duties for two weeks as punishment for leaving living witnesses to the giant clusterfuck. However, several mid level personnel who personally know the officers in question expressed concern that they would create an environmental disaster if given access to harsh cleaning chemicals.

The shooting happened in a neighborhood about 5 miles from downtown Atlanta, which is normally a safe area unless you happen to be an unarmed black male minding your own fucking business.

 

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