WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.
From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.
“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.
“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”
Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.
Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.
“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.
Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.
“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.