Obama Destroys Country Again

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

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IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

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Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Fucking F-35 To Be Tested Against A-10 In Ground Attack Scenarios

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The Defense Department plans to test the fifth-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet against the Cold War-era A-10 attack aircraft in close air support tests, according to multiple news reports.

During a conference last week in Arlington, Virginia, General Jack Ripper, USAF (Ret) an air warfare specialist and conspiracy theorist for the Pentagon’s office of the director of operational test and evaluation said the so-called comparative tests will take place in late 2017 or 2018, according to Politico and Defense Daily.

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Current plans for the test call for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosive and crashed into the ground in the center of the target area. Regretfully this means losing the pilot, but since the ejection system in the F-35 will not be operational until 2036, the Pentagon feels it has no choice.

The A-10, considered the best ground attack and close air support aircraft ever built, is essentially a flying tank capable of taking out an entire armored column in one pass. It has proved invaluable for vaporizing and dismembering a wide variety of enemies, including 7th century camel jockeys intent on returning the world to the Dark Ages before people knew enough to wash their hands after taking a shit.

 

The Pentagon plans to test the F-35 against the A-10 have been called “ludicrous” by people who actually have the sense God gave a goat.

“The F-35 is a plane that cannot yet fire its cannon, must avoid thunderstorms because electrical disturbances cause the plane to fly upside down, spontaneously combusts when being refueled, and cannot even carry a fucking full bomb load, said Dr. Strangelove, a defense planning expert for the Bland Corporation.

“The F-35 has trouble taking off and landing. How the fuck is it going to destroy anything other than the federal budget?”

 

“It would be like testing a miniature poodle against a Rottweiler for home defense,” said General Buck Turgidson, commander of the 843 Bomb Wing based at Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha.

 

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General Ripper said that losing the pilot during these tests will be regrettable, but the Pentagon has to prove that the 1.5 trillion dollar F-35 can destroy something, even if it means destroying itself in the process.

“The F-35 is a pretty plane and all, and no one can deny that it’s fast, especially when it veers out of control and crashes into a stadium filled with soccer fans, but if it comes down to nuclear combat toe-to-toe with the Russkies, give the Warthog any day!”

 

Although the parameters for the upcoming tests have not yet been determined, General Ripper told Politico that current plans are for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosives and after a brief ceremony with a small glass of Jack Daniels, the pilot will be fitted with an Auburn bandanna and told to crash the fucking plane into the ground near the target.

 

“It’s the only way we can score close to the A-10 in these tests,” said General Ripper, as he took a big swig of grain alcohol and rainwater.

Iran Expected To Do Excellent Job Inspecting Their Own Fucking Nuclear Facility

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VIENNA – (CT&P) – Iran, in an unusual arrangement, will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect a site it allegedly used to develop nuclear arms under a secret agreement with the U.N. agency that normally carries out such work, according to a document seen by The Associated Press.

The agreement diverges from normal inspection procedures between the IAEA and a member country by essentially ceding the agency’s investigative authority to Iran. It allows Tehran to employ its own experts and equipment in the search for evidence of activities that it has been lying its ass off about for years.

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Chief Iranian negotiator and Minister of the Department of Vaporizing Tel Aviv, Mohammad Javad Zarif, told the Tehran Times-Picayune that “these Americans never fail to crack me up.”

“This historic agreement will guarantee the world that Iran has not been lying about the Parchin site because if it were, that would mean that it was dishonest,” said U.N. President Sam “I Am” Boutros Boutros Kahamba Kutesa Zimbabwe Smith.

“I feel confident that Iranian inspectors would let us know in a heartbeat if Iran was up to anything bad or mean-spirited.”

Condemnation of the ludicrous agreement was swift and caustic by Israeli politicians in Tel Aviv and those assigned to work within the U.S. Congress.

Senator Tom “Dead Eyes” Cotton told Fox News that “the time has come to turn Iran into glass,” and he would be more than willing to ride the first bomb targeted for Tehran.

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told the Bethlehem Fair Dealer that he was ready to fly to the United States and “kick Obama’s black ass.”

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Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has volunteered to ride the first bomb destined for Iran sometime late next week.

Evidence of the concession, as outlined in the document, is sure to increase pressure from U.S. congressional opponents as they review the July 14 Iran nuclear deal and vote on a resolution of disapproval in early September. If the resolution passed and President Barack Obama vetoed it, opponents would need a two-thirds majority to override it. Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, has suggested opponents will likely lose.

 

The White House has denied claims by critics that a secret “side deal” favorable to Tehran exists. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has said the Parchin document is like other routine arrangements that allow crazed bloodthirsty Muslims to inspect their own fucking weapons facilities.

 

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression and is on round the clock suicide watch in his Boston mansion after trying to choke himself to death with a bottle of ketchup.

“This agreement is no different from numerous agreements we’ve made with other religious kooks who want to return to the good old days before there was electricity and indoor plumbing,” said Kerry, who looked like he had just been told he had a week to live. “I see no problem with it.”

Republican critics are bound to harshly criticize any document that cedes to Iran the right to look for the very nuclear wrongdoing that it has denied committing.

Olli Heinonen, who was in charge of the Iran probe as deputy IAEA director general from 2005 to 2010, said he can think of no instance where a country being probed was allowed to do its own investigation.

“This is just fucked up,” said Heinonen. “It would be like assigning Heinrich Himmler to inspect Dachau for evidence of crimes against humanity. It’s insane.”

 

 

 

 

 

Carson Defends Fetal Tissue Research: “We Never Used Christian Babies”

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.

Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.

Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.

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Dr. Carson is well-known for his batshit crazy theories. In 2005 he published an essay in Christian Archaeology Quarterly claiming to have proof that fossils were placed on earth by Satan to fool humans into believing that evolution was true.

“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”

However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”

She wrote on her blog:

“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”

As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:

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Dr. Carson assured his supporters that he only conducted research on fetuses from atheists and other “unsaved trash.”

“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”

His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.

“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.

“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation to become a successful neurosurgeon and Tea Party darling.

“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”

Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.

His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.

However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.

According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.

Fester Addams Joins Republican Field For President

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.

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Fester said his first priority as president will be to formulate some sort of coherent energy policy.

From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.

 

“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.

 

“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”

 

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Fester told reporters that he finally made up his mind to run after he saw how well Senator Ted Cruz was doing despite making a fool of himself on a regular basis

Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.

 

Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.

 

“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.

Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.

“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.

 

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.