Raptor Jesus Condemns Walter Palmer To Spend All Of Eternity Burning In The Fires Of Hell


VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.


Raptor Jesus’ love of animals is well-known. In Iguana 19:14 RJ said, “Suffer the little lizards to come unto me and offer them meal worms, for of such is the animal kingdom.”

“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.

“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”

“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.

During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.

“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.

“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”





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