BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this morning Helga Palmer, wife of subhuman lion murderer Walter Palmer, called for her husband to be located and arrested as soon as possible.
Mrs Palmer appeared on the steps of Dr. Palmer’s once-thriving dental practice with her two daughters, Warthog and Wildebeest, Palmer’s mother Enid, and his former receptionist Chastity Candy.
Mrs. Palmer called the news conference in order to show solidarity with the millions of people disgusted and outraged by Mr. Palmer’s bloodthirsty killing spree.
“I just want to say that I’m sorry for Walter’s actions,” said a tearful Helga. “Walter is a very sick man, but that in no way justifies what he has done. I think we all can agree that Walter belongs in either in a mental hospital or thousands of feet below the surface of the earth in some Zimbabwean mine doing forced labor for the rest of his life.”
When asked why she married Palmer in the first place, Helga responded: “I guess I was entranced by the prospect of a glamorous life as the wife of a big-game hunting dentist. It certainly wasn’t for the sex; Walter has a pencil dick, and it rarely functions properly anyway.”
Enid Palmer, Walter’s mom, agreed:
“I knew when Walter was born that he was going to be inferior in that department. If I had been thinking clearly at the time I would have left his ass outside the house for the coyotes to devour. What a loser!”
Chastity Candy, Palmer’s former receptionist and part-time stripper at the Gopher Hole Bar and Grill in Chippewa Falls, told reporters that she also wanted Palmer behind bars.
“The son of a bitch promised me a new set of implants and free periodontal work for life. I had to sue him just to get a measly hundred grand, and most of that went to the lawyer. I’ll never trust a dentist again!”
When a reporter asked Palmer’s kids what they wanted to happen to their dad they got more negative responses.
“What the hell do you think I want to happen to the bastard?” said fourteen year old Wildebeest. “The asshole named me ‘Wildebeest’ for Christ’s sake!”
Perhaps 3-year-old Warthog summed up everyone’s feelings best when she said, “I hate my Daddy!”
Mrs. Palmer closed the press conference by making a plea for people to visit her new website, WalterPalmerSucks.com, and making a contribution to her kids’ college fund.