MANCHESTER, N.H. – (CT&P) – GOP frontrunner Jeb Bush unveiled his subjugation-based economic plan yesterday during an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader, the first-in-the-nation primary state’s most read paper.
The plan, dubbed Prosperity Through Oppression, calls for poor people to work longer hours, reduce their caloric intake, and move to hovels located along railroad right-of-ways so that large corporations and wealthy Americans can make more money.
The theory is that when the rich get more money in their hands they will invest it in new companies that will provide subsistence level jobs for America’s poor and the rapidly dwindling middle class.
“It’s a win-win,” said Bush. “The less fortunate will be able to get off their lazy asses and work 18 hours per day while living on a diet of cheap carbohydrates and fat, foods that the wealthy in this country tend to avoid. If we can limit their caloric intake to around 800 calories a day, well then they’ll lose unwanted pounds, be healthier, and save us a ton of money on medical expenses while building a better society for the 1%.
“Research done by scientists in Germany has proven that people can work up to 20 hours per day with very little sleep or food and still be productive,” continued Bush. “Now we Republicans aren’t scientists, in fact most of us aren’t even capable of critical thought, but I think in this case they’re right because their conclusions coincide with our archaic economic policies.”
When asked how his plan differed from his closest rival Donald Trump’s, Bush explained that Trump inherited his money and had no clue how to build a business like the Bush family did.
“Trump’s plan is clearly bigoted,” said the “intelligent” Bush. “He wants to build a wall and liquidate all the Mexicans who try to get over it, while deporting any Hispanics currently living in the United States, thus freeing up jobs for white people. My plan treats everyone equally. We intend to work all poor people into an early grave regardless of their race, creed, or color.
“We have to remember that America’s premier intellectuals recommend a combination of trickle down economics combined with stone-age austerity when things start to slow down. If you don’t believe me just go to Brietbart or The Blaze and read up on it like I did.”
When asked what he would do with trash that refused to work 90-100 hour weeks, Bush said that they would be rounded up and placed in camps surrounded by concertina wire and German Shepherds.
“If nothing else they can make bullets and proximity fuses that we’ll need once we invade Iran,” said Bush.