BEAUMONT, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Tommie Woodward, 28, a short order cook and part-time Tea Party sign maker, was devoured early Friday morning by an agitated alligator in a fetid swamp close to the Louisiana state line.
The tragedy took place at Ned’s Last Chance Marina located on Toxic Bayou, a slow-moving, leech infested branch of the Sabine River. Ned’s is a popular party spot with locals because most local law enforcement personnel are too terrified to come anywhere near it.
“It was about midnight and we had just finished three cases of beer and had hit the pipe a few times and all of a sudden Tommie says ‘Let’s go swimmin,'” said Michelle Wright, a friend of the nocturnal water sports enthusiast and granddaughter of former Speaker of the House Jim Wright.
“When we warned him about the gigantic species of predatory reptile that inhabits the swamp and makes it a habit of feeding at night, he just said ‘Fuck that alligator!’ and dove in.
“There was a big splash and an 11-foot gator done grabbed a holt of him and tore off his dang leg,” whimpered Wright. “Tommie yelled that it was just a flesh wound and no fucking overgrown lizard was gonna stop him from having a good time. That’s when the gator muttered ‘I’ve had enough of this shit’ and took him under for good. It was just awful.”
Police Captain Robert Emmon told CNN that “There are signs all over the fucking place warning idiots not to enter the water because of killer alligators in the vicinity. Hell, most people don’t even fish around this godforsaken deathtrap.”
Emmon said that Woodward had made the situation that much worse by insulting the alligator before he jumped in.
“Alligators are a proud species that react badly when insulted,” said Emmon. “They’ve been around for millions of years in basically the same form because they’re perfect killing machines. Anyone dumb enough to insult one and then jump in the water on top of his snout is just asking for trouble.”
“Captain Emmon is absolutely right,” said Wally Gator, spokesman for Reptilian Lives Matter, an advocacy group headquartered in New Orleans with branches in Florida and east Texas.
“We’re sick of being treated like second class citizens,” said Wally, as he munched on a raccoon carcass. “We’ve been around one helluva a lot longer than you idiot humans and we’re just not going to take these insults lying down. Fuck you rednecks!”
According to Captain Emmon, Woodward’s body was found around 4:30 A.M. Friday morning floating around 300 yards away from the dock from which he jumped. Woodward’s leg was missing and there were bite marks all over him but he was basically intact.
“I think the gator found his flesh a little too toxic to consume,” said Emmons. “As I said, alligators are sensitive creatures and they won’t eat just anything that comes along.
“I hope this incident serves as a warning to all those cretins out there who look down on our cousins the reptiles. After all, we all descended from the same eukaryotic cells deposited on earth billions of years ago by space aliens from Planet 10, and we should all respect one another.”
Woodward’s funeral will take place sometime late this week after a local taxidermist fits him with a new leg.
A memorial service will be held on Wednesday at Helga’s Bait Shop and Chain Saw Repair in Dysentery Springs where Woodward was born and raised. Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is expected to officiate as Woodward was a volunteer for his campaign.
Members of Texas Open Carry will conduct a 21 machine gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.