FBI Says Geller Never In Any Real Danger

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BOSTON – (CT&P) Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.

The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more. 

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At one time Ms Geller was fairly attractive but that was before her hair was mysteriously transformed into a seething mass of pit vipers.

The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues. 

FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.

Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.

Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.

Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.

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Americans are split on whether it would be best to adopt sharia law or live in a world where people like Geller are in charge.

However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.

“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.

“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.

No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.

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Only last week Omar Abdul Sahib Skyhook was turned into granite while trying to remove Ms Geller’s head with a hatchet during a dinner party in Manhattan.

The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.

“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”

Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.

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