GAINESVILLE – (CT&P) – The large number of shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina in recent weeks naturally has the vacationing public nervous about entering the water during their yearly vacations this summer. However, some common sense precautions can help you or a loved one from becoming a meal for a hungry shark while you visit the superheated waters just off the tourist trap hellhole you’ve chosen to visit during your brief once-a-year break from your soul crushing job that is leading nowhere.
While the odds of being attacked remain small even in the shark infested waters off North Carolina, you can minimize them further by heeding a list of survival tips compiled by George H. Burgess of the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History, the University of Florida.
• Always stay in tightly packed groups of 50 to 100 individuals, and move around like a herd of zebras as this confuses most sharks. Man-eaters are much more likely to attack a solitary individual or one who is sick or wounded. Always keep elderly people and children at the outer edges of the group as they can be used to hold the shark’s attention while the herd reaches safety on the beach.
• Do not wander too far from shore—this isolates you and additionally places you far away from assistance when one of your limbs is torn off and the water around you turns crimson.
• Avoid being in the water between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. after drinking all night. These are the hours when sharks are most active and have a competitive sensory advantage because it’s fucking dark and you are blind drunk.
• Do not enter the water if you have just severed an artery, are losing blood because of huge tumors in your colon, are menstruating to beat the band, or have running sores all over your skin caused by a virulent form of venereal disease picked up on your last trip to southeast Asia—a shark’s olfactory ability is acute.
• Wearing shiny jewelry such as your $10,000 Rolex or diamond rings is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. It’s a much better idea to leave these dangerous items on your beach towel.
• Avoid swimming in waters with known effluents or raw sewage and those being used by sport or commercial fishermen, especially if there are signs of bait fishes or feeding activity. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such action. It’s always a good idea to avoid lounging around in waters filled with chum, fish blood, or the remains of last week’s shark attack victims.
• Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks—this is reality, not Flipper, you fuckwit.
• Use extra caution when waters are murky and avoid uneven tanning and bright-colored clothing—sharks see contrast particularly well. It’s always best to sunbathe and swim nude, especially if you are a healthy young woman between the ages of 18 and 24.
• Refrain from excess splashing and beating the water while screaming “I don’t want to die!” over and over again. Do not allow pets in the water because of their erratic movements-Fido makes a tasty snack for a 12 foot Great White.
• Exercise caution when swimming in areas with nicknames like “Bloody Bay”, “Carnage Cove”, “Dismemberment Beach”, and “Abattoir Shores.” Avoid resort cities with an inordinate number of prosthetic surgeons in the phone book.
• Do not enter the water if sharks are known to be present, you idiot. Evacuate the water if you see a swarm of sharks approaching you, even if they appear friendly. If you do encounter a shark up close, don’t harass or hurl epithets at him. Sharks are sensitive and may react violently to unwarranted criticism.
Dr. Burgess says that the only way to be absolutely sure of avoiding an attack is to stay away from the fucking water. However, if you follow the simple rules outlined above you’ll greatly reduce the odds of being eaten alive or losing a limb while enjoying the one time per year you get to forget that life is just a series of depressing events that lead inevitably to your death.