Raptor Jesus Condemns Walter Palmer To Spend All Of Eternity Burning In The Fires Of Hell


VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.


Raptor Jesus’ love of animals is well-known. In Iguana 19:14 RJ said, “Suffer the little lizards to come unto me and offer them meal worms, for of such is the animal kingdom.”

“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.

“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”

“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.

During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.

“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.

“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”





Family Of Walter Palmer Joins Chorus Of Voices Calling For His Demise


BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this morning Helga Palmer, wife of subhuman lion murderer Walter Palmer, called for her husband to be located and arrested as soon as possible.

Mrs Palmer appeared on the steps of Dr. Palmer’s once-thriving dental practice with her two daughters, Warthog and Wildebeest, Palmer’s mother Enid, and his former receptionist Chastity Candy.

Mrs. Palmer called the news conference in order to show solidarity with the millions of people disgusted and outraged by Mr. Palmer’s bloodthirsty killing spree.

“I just want to say that I’m sorry for Walter’s actions,” said a tearful Helga. “Walter is a very sick man, but that in no way justifies what he has done. I think we all can agree that Walter belongs in either in a mental hospital or thousands of feet below the surface of the earth in some Zimbabwean mine doing forced labor for the rest of his life.”


Dr. Palmer’s victims list reads like a who’s who of African and Asian wildlife. He is suspected of breaking into a big game sanctuary in Wisconsin and going on a murderous rampage back in 2005, but authorities did not have enough evidence to convict him. “The bastard is worse than ISIS”, said a spokesman for the FBI.

When asked why she married Palmer in the first place, Helga responded: “I guess I was entranced by the prospect of a glamorous life as the wife of a big-game hunting dentist. It certainly wasn’t for the sex; Walter has a pencil dick, and it rarely functions properly anyway.”

Enid Palmer, Walter’s mom, agreed:

“I knew when Walter was born that he was going to be inferior in that department. If I had been thinking clearly at the time I would have left his ass outside the house for the coyotes to devour. What a loser!”

Chastity Candy, Palmer’s former receptionist and part-time stripper at the Gopher Hole Bar and Grill in Chippewa Falls, told reporters that she also wanted Palmer behind bars.

“The son of a bitch promised me a new set of implants and free periodontal work for life. I had to sue him just to get a measly hundred grand, and most of that went to the lawyer. I’ll never trust a dentist again!”

When a reporter asked Palmer’s kids what they wanted to happen to their dad they got more negative responses.

“What the hell do you think I want to happen to the bastard?” said fourteen year old Wildebeest. “The asshole named me ‘Wildebeest’ for Christ’s sake!”

Perhaps 3-year-old Warthog summed up everyone’s feelings best when she said, “I hate my Daddy!”

Mrs. Palmer closed the press conference by making a plea for people to visit her new website, WalterPalmerSucks.com, and making a contribution to her kids’ college fund.

American Dental Association Urges Walter Palmer To Commit Suicide


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an appearance on Fox and Friends this morning, American Dental Association president Maxine Feinberg made an impassioned public plea to Dr. Walter Palmer, the scum-sucking Minnesota dentist who murdered Cecil the Lion, to kill himself “by any means available” to him.

“We polled our membership, and four out of five dentists surveyed recommended suicide,” said Feinberg. “The remaining 20% thought that Dr. Palmer should be extradited to Zimbabwe to stand trial and face a life sentence in an African butt-rape prison.”

Palmer, whose whereabouts are unknown, has been excoriated on the internet and in the press over the last two days for tying a dead animal to the front of a vehicle and luring Cecil out of a protected area so he could be shot with a bow and arrow and die a slow agonizing death lasting over 40 hours.

Dr. Palmer’s dental practice in Bloomington, Minnesota has been shut down and his home is unoccupied. He has received death threats on Facebook and Twitter and been the subject of some remarkable reviews on Yelp.


Dr. Palmer has a long history of flying all over the world in order to murder defenseless animals so he can prove that he is still a man despite his small penis, which he refers to as “Little Peeps.”

ADA president Feinberg told Steve Doocy that Palmer was giving dentists around the country an even worse name than they already had.

“It’s bad enough that everyone hates us to begin with,” said Feinberg. “Now kids are asking their dentists if they plan on murdering Bambi or the Easter Bunny. We’re about as popular as a dog catching member of Congress right now.”

Feinberg said that although the vast majority of dentists wanted Palmer dead, they disagreed on what method he should use to off himself.

“Dr. Max Nebelwerfer from Bleeding Gums, Kansas told us that Palmer should tie himself to his dental chair and drink a bottle of liquid Drano,” said Feinberg. “Dr. Emily Fang from Melanoma Beach, Florida told us that she thought Palmer should sever several minor arteries with a scalpel and go swimming off the beaches of North Carolina. There’s no end to the ideas pouring into our website. Despite having a reputation for being anal, we dentists can be very creative when we want to be.

“Although, there’s a lot of disagreement about how he should do it, one thing’s for sure, everyone wants the bastard dead,” said Feinberg in closing.

This is not the first time Palmer has been in trouble. He was convicted of lying to federal agents regarding an illegal bear hunt in 2006, and settled a sexual harassment suit involving his receptionist in 2009.

Fox and Friends replicant Brian Kilmeade asked regular contributor Dr. Keith Ablow to offer some insight on Palmer’s murderous behavior and tendency to prey on his female staff.


In 2010 Dr. Palmer was named “Dentist Most Likely to Abuse Little Children” by the American Dental Association.

“Dr. Palmer exhibits all the symptoms of Gherkinson’s Disease, a syndrome normally associated with a tiny schlong and shrunken, misshapen testicles,” said Ablow.

“Many assholes who hunt just for the sick pleasure of seeing animals die have a desperate need to prove to the world that they are real men despite having inferior sexual equipment. I think we can safely say Palmer has a short shaft, or possibly one that takes a dogleg left.”

In fact, one of Palmer’s close friends told Anderson Cooper of CNN that Walter’s high school nickname was ‘Inch Worm,’ so Ablow’s theory seems to make sense.

Palmer released a statement this afternoon through the public relations firm he hired to extricate himself from this mess.

In it he said that he was sorry for killing Cecil, sorry for killing a bear 40 fucking miles away from where he was supposed to be hunting, sorry for sexually abusing his receptionist while she was under the influence of Xanax and nitrous oxide, and sorry that his kids were conceived in vitro because his micro dick proved incapable of performing in the usual fashion.

He said that at this time he had no intention of killing himself and looks forward to a future as a short order cook at a Waffle House in Tanzania.


Trump Asks Carly Fiorina To Be Running Mate


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – This morning Donald Trump told the couch tumors on Fox and Friends that he has asked Carly Fiorina to be his running mate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

Confident of victory over the “bunch of losers” running against him for the Republican nomination, Trump told Brian Kilmeade that he wanted to go ahead and get a veep on board as early as possible so the two of them could get down to some serious Hillary bashing over the next 12 months.

After Steve Doocy explained to Kilmeade what a “veep” was, Kilmeade asked Trump if he wasn’t “jumping the gun” a little.

“Listen Brian, I’m rich, and that’s all anyone needs to know,” said Trump. “If America is to survive the wave of diseased Mexican rapists that our Kenyan Muslim socialist dictator of a president has allowed to enter this country then I’m the only reasonable choice.


Fiorina accepted Trump’s offer after seeing her latest polling numbers, which indicate that she is about as popular as an intestinal parasite.

“America still has a chance to be great again, but only if I’m elected. My secret plans to defeat ISIS and Iran are rock solid, and my economic policies are the greatest that mankind has ever devised.”

When Kilmeade asked Trump why he chose Fiorina over all the other raving lunatics in the GOP field, Trump answered, “Well, she’s a woman, which means she’ll be easily intimidated and do exactly as I say, and I admire the way she negotiated a golden parachute for herself as she ran Hewlett-Packard right into the ground.

“Also, she understands the Republican economic philosophy, which dictates that business owners should lay off tens of thousands of workers, cut benefits, and pay subsistence wages while politicians destroy the social safety net and give tax breaks to huge corporations and the wealthiest 1% in this country. That way, economic prosperity will trickle down to the oppressed masses and we’ll create a whole bunch of new low paying dead-end jobs. It’s a time-tested successful formula that’s worked every time it’s been tried, and it has the wonderful side benefit of destroying the middle class.”

The three Fox and Friends abnormal tissue masses congratulated Trump on his logic, and after wiping saliva from their chins, moved on to interview Dr. Ben Carson, another GOP candidate and insane person who believes that the Ark was real and dinosaurs once walked the earth with man.

Daleiden: Planned Parenthood Conspiring With Space Aliens


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.


Daleiden told O’Reilly that he obtained the video from a disillusioned alien outcast who had been banned from the mothership because he had associated with the wrong group of humans.

Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.

“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”

Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.

“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”


Although Daleiden has never had sex himself and has no clue what the fuck he is talking about most of the time, he is certain that he knows what is best for humanity. “God only wants us to have sex once we are married and then only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation,” said Daleiden.

“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”

Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.

“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”

Scott Walker Vows To Be ‘Education President’


DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”


According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”




Trump Replaces Bill O’Reilly As Nation’s Most Prominent Asshole


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.

The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.

“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”

When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.

When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.


Although O’Reilly is no longer considered “king of the assholes” by the American public, he retained his title of “Biggest Horse’s Ass on Television.”

“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.

Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.

“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.

“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”

When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”

Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.

When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.