LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”
Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”
“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.
Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.
The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.
However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.
There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”
The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.
Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.
Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”
Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.