VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – A visibly irritated God paused briefly outside the Vatican this morning after his weekly wine-tasting Friday brunch with Pope Francis in order to address reporters regarding the brutal murders which took place in Charleston, South Carolina on Wednesday.
The Judeo-Christian deity told the journalists that he was “sick and tired” of being deluged by a bunch of prayers from all over the planet for the shooting victims and their families.
“I can’t swing a cat without hitting at least three dozen prayers for those folks,” said God. “If you idiots think I made a wrong decision in letting them get slaughtered in the first place, then I suggest you find another god to worship. I hear Allah is taking new converts. Why don’t you give his ass a call instead?”
Jehovah continued, “If there’s one thing I hate it’s being second-guessed by a bunch of primates in sagging skin suits. I don’t know why I created you talking monkeys in the first place. You’re nothing but trouble with your hypocritical groveling and Sunday morning prayer sessions. You can’t go thirty minutes without committing some kind of fucking atrocity or abomination. It’s disgusting!”
After the Prime Mover was finished venting a Fox News reporter asked if there would be any divine retribution for the “blatant and vicious attack on Christianity” precipitated by President Obama’s embrace of socialism, multiculturalism and his desire to destroy America by providing health care to the poor.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” replied Yahweh.
When the reporter persisted and asked God how the attack was connected to the Benghazi coverup the All Powerful Godhead turned him into a pillar of salt and promptly departed for the Pearly Gates.