BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yet another cyclist was needlessly slaughtered on Hwy 30-A in South Walton this morning when a barely functional FSU cheerleader annihilated a moronic cyclist traveling east toward the dark and desolate bowels of nearby Bay County, cradle of cretinism.
Authorities have confirmed that Ms Airhead was texting her football player boyfriend with the results of a recent test for syphilis while lumbering along at over twice the speed limit in her Dad’s 6,000 lb leviathan of an SUV.
According to reports, Ms Airhead swerved to avoid a squirrel and plowed directly into Bernie Numbnuts, a women’s studies professor from Yale who, like so many of his fellow cyclists, steadfastly refused to use the multimillion dollar bike path three feet to his right but instead always insisted on risking his fucking life by sharing the two lane road with miscreants like Ms Airhead.
“The road belongs to us cyclists too, and drivers just need to be patient,” Numbnuts was fond of saying before he was subdivided into seven separate pieces of unrecognizable protoplasm.
After hearing of this latest in a long series of debates between gigantic rolling environmental nightmares and completely unprotected pompous ass cyclists dressed in cutoff wetsuits designed to show off their scrotums, Walton County Sheriff Michael Adkinson remarked, “It’s the height of dumbassery going on down thar at that thar beach. We may be a bunch of ignorant redneck hicks up here in DeFuniak Springs, but at least we know better than to try to share the fucking highway with a bunch of nitwits who never should be behind the wheel anyway.”
Former governor and current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who lives just down the street from where the accident occurred, took the opportunity to call a press conference and complain about the use of bicycles in areas clearly designed for the use of internal combustion engines. He also said that all cyclists were gay socialists and “were almost all certainly going to Hell anyway.”
No charges are expected to be filed against Ms Airhead as a result of her sausage-making activities because her father is a wealthy lawyer with contacts inside the Florida Republican Party.