PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.
Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.
The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.
“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”
Then Ham made a startling confession.
“We are all born with a strong desire to fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”
“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.
The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.
“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”
Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.
However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.
“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.
The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”
“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.
“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”
Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.
“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”