TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be released into Everglades National Park at the end of his second term, according to sources close to the administration.
Aides to Governor Scott said that the decision has nothing to do with the disappearance of three immigrant children while touring the governor’s mansion late last month.
“This has absolutely nothing to do with the rumors concerning the governor’s feeding habits or the ugly stories about human sacrifice,” said Sally Chicomecoatl, an aide to Governor Scott and part-time serpent goddess of maize, nourishment, and fertility.
“We just want the governor to be happy in his retirement, and being among his friends and relatives out in the fetid swamps of the Everglades seems like a good start,” said Chicomecoatl.
The rumors and “ugly stories” have been the subject of long-term investigations by journalists at several newspapers in central Florida, as well as the BBC News program Ethel the Frog.
Vince Snetterton Lewis, an investigative reporter for the Orlando Sentinel, has written a series of pieces detailing the mysterious disappearances of illegal farm workers from north and central Florida. The disappearances seem to coincide with late-night ceremonies in the basement of the governor’s mansion and torchlit processions in the giant, heavily guarded jungle greenhouse located on the grounds.
“I’ve interviewed dozens of state employees,” said Lewis. “Most are simply too terrified to say anything about their work for the governor, but one, Stig O’Tracy, a former IRA bomb maker and intelligence operative who was hired to sweep the mansion for electronic listening devices, gave me some insight into the goings-on within the mansion, or the ‘House of 1000 Corpses,’ as he calls it.”
“O’Tracy told me that Governor Scott routinely rips open the chest cavities of illegal Central American farm workers and their children so he can present their still-beating hearts to the Aztec sun god Tonatuih, in hopes that he will continue to rise every morning, thus insuring a healthy tourist trade for the state. According to O’Tracy, a side benefit of this activity is that a happy Tonatuih produces a high number of malignant melanomas so Scott’s hospital chain can fleece the unwary with natural ‘cures’ made out of jaguar livers and tapir scrotums.”
So far Lewis and his counterparts in the press have been unable to confirm O’Tracy’s stories because so many of the governor’s former employees end up in the median of Alligator Alley or floating face-down in the Gulf. However, they continue to pursue the story as hundreds of illegal workers continue to disappear every year from Florida’s “Killing Fields.”
“We want to try to nail this freak before he escapes to the swamps of the Everglades at the end of the term,” said Lewis. “Once he gets out there we’ll never find him.”
In a statement issued by the firm of Huehuecotyl, Tlaloc, and Totec, the governor’s lawyer Frank Huehuecotyl stated that the governor would “fight tooth and nail” to refute the unsubstantiated claims, and would “smother them like a python would a baby rabbit.”
Mr. Huehuecotyl is a graduate of the Universidad Anahuac law school in Mexico City and spends his weekends fulfilling his obligations as the Aztec god of trickery and deceit.