WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince “Beavis” Priebus announced this morning that all members of the Republican Party, both living and dead, will be invited to run for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 race.
“We’re desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can defeat Hillary,” Priebus said during an appearance on Fox and Friends, a morning talk show co-hosted by three of the dumbest hominids to ever walk the earth.
“This was not an easy decision,” said Priebus, as the three dimwitted bipeds stared dully back at the monitor, “but you’ve all seen our current lineup of religious kooks, homophobes, and fear mongering dunderheads. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.”
“We had to do something drastic because the GOP has become synonymous with those who wish to deny health care to the poor, control women’s reproductive organs, deny equal rights to homosexuals, and crush the oppressed classes beneath the heels of their corporate jackboots.”
“So we’re suspending the usual requirements and opening up the race to any member of the Republican Party who has any type of higher brain function. Granted, that counts a lot of us out, but I still think we could have a million or so party members competing for the nomination.”
Priebus told the nitwits on Fox that the logistics of getting all one million candidates into the same building for a debate would have to be ironed out later.