Chris Christie Announces He Will Be Lumbering For President

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LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”

Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”

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Christie’s candidacy marks the first time a sauropod ran for president since William Howard Taft did in 1908

“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.

Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.

The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.

However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.

There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”

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The nearly extinct Trumpus pompousus or “Asshole Man” surprised many pundits with his impressive poll numbers in New Hampshire

The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.

Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.

Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”

Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.

Miss Muslima 2014 Vaporized In Mosul

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MOSUL – (CT&P) – Miss Muslima 2014, Fatma Ben Guefrache of Tunisia, was turned into a red mist over the weekend while modeling the latest styles of suicide vests for ISIS jihadis on leave in Mosul.

The model, housewife, and some time sex slave was in Mosul as part of the Annual Suicide and Car Bomb Expo sponsored by the Mosul Chamber of Commerce at the behest of the Islamic State.

A spokesman for the chamber of commerce told Al Jajeera that everyone regretted the unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction” that resulted in over 27 deaths, including that of the model.

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Miss Muslima was modeling some of the most popular new models of fall suicide wear in preparation for the new campaign.

“We’re really sorry this happened,” said Omar Abdullah Assad Skyhook.

“We had hoped to use Miss Guefrache’s good looks to infiltrate a United Nations meeting in New York or the NATO headquarters building in Brussels. This was a waste of good material, and we lost some very promising young recruits in the bargain.
“Everyone knows we don’t value human life, least of all women, but I can assure you that the wardrobe manager will be severely reprimanded for putting live explosives in the vest.”

A memorial service for Guefrache is scheduled for Wednesday at Our Lady of the Headless Infidel Mosque in Tikrit. The few remaining parts of Miss Guefrache will be washed and buried on Thursday somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

America In Ruins; Christians To Be Interned Next Week

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.

Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.

The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.

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Christians are reported to be fleeing to Mexico by the tens of thousands in order to escape a country where poor people are provided health care and marriage equality is the law of the land.

“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”

“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”

Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.

Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.

“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.

“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”

 

Religious Right Hospitalized After Choking On Compassion And Equality

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.

“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.

“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”

The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.

Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.

“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”

Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.

Satan Delighted With Supreme Court Ruling

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THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.

“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”

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Former Pastor Fred Phelps, seen here having a pineapple inserted into his rectum, is to be the guest of honor at a party in Hades tonight.

When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press  secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.

“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”

When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”

Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.

“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”

Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

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HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

Chinese Hackers Disappointed With Fed Workers’ Sex Lives

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BEIJING – (CT&P) – Chinese government officials, speaking on condition of anonymity lest they be arrested and executed, told Xinhua, the People’s Republic official press agency, that so far the treasure trove of data gleaned in the recent hack of U.S. Office of Personnel Management has yielded little useful information.

The cyber breach, which affected the data of nearly 18 million former, current, and prospective government workers is apparently almost four times greater than what the government originally announced.

FBI Director James Comey gave the 18 million estimate in a closed-door briefing to Senators in recent weeks, using the OPM’s own internal data, according to U.S. officials briefed on the matter. Those affected could include people who applied for government jobs, but never actually ended up working for the government.

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Ace Chinese hacker ‘Dragon Scrotum’ told the Chinese News Service that Americans were about the most sexually repressed people he had ever hacked. “It was so boring I had trouble staying awake,” he said.

Despite the huge numbers of individuals affected, Chinese generals have so far been really disappointed with the quality of the information obtained, calling it “boring” and “unfit for blackmail purposes.”

A Chinese hacker known as “Dragon Scrotum” told the Chinese News Service that his superiors were shocked by the lack of creativity and adventure shown in American worker’s choice of porn, among other things.

“Americans have many sexual hang-ups,” said Dragon Scrotum. “They talk a good game, but about the most exciting thing they do is switch positions every once in a while. There were some interesting websites involving barnyard animals, but as far as we could tell these guys just stare longingly at goats and sheep and stuff and never do anything about it.

“There were a few illicit office relationships that we stumbled across, but nothing as exciting as the ones involving Bill Clinton, and hell that’s old hat. About the best we could do was turn over some e-mail exchanges between mail carriers that said things like ‘I can’t wait to go postal on you after work today baby!’

“I’m told our leaders hope to use it to disrupt mail service in the D.C. area.”