Dennis Hastert Makes Offer On Neverland Ranch Property


LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.

Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.

Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.


Wrestling has always been near and dear to Hastert’s heart, and he looks forward to teaching young boys some of his “special moves.”

The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.

Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.

Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.

“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”

Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.

Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”

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