Republican Lawmakers Scramble To Preserve Streams And Wetlands For Industrial Runoff

urban-stream-pollution

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.

“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.

killingfields

Boehner compared the EPA to the Khmer Rouge and said that if the rules were allowed to stand, giant corporations would lose a little money, which would precipitate a genocide in America’s heartland.

“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”

Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:

“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”

Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.

“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”

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