Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State

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MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”

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During the interview the Prophet became so irritated with Doocalhiri’s blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance that he began to change form

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.

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