PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”
The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.
“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”
The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.
The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.
“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”
The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.
“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.