NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News host and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly has flatly denied recent claims that he abused his wife and kids by dragging them around by the neck and screaming at them when they disagreed with him. He also denied calling them pinheads, adulterers, bitches, freeloaders, and gold-diggers while holding their heads underwater and yelling “I am the one true God and you shall worship me!”
Earlier this week court documents revealed that O’Reilly (referred to as Mr. Anonymous in the documents) water boarded his wife on a regular basis and used a car battery to deliver electric shocks to his two daughters whenever they disagreed with one of his political or philosophical positions.
“All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false,” O’Reilly told Politico on Tuesday. “I have always been 100% correct on everything I have ever done as a husband, father, and person. I am in fact infallible, and perfect in every way. Jesus ain’t got nothing on Bill O’Reilly! I’m God’s gift to women and the American people. Without me, western civilization would collapse.”
“I want everyone to know that if all this criticism in the media continues, I’m going to kill every last person in the United States!” said O’Reilly as he foamed at the mouth. “Fuck you unappreciative assholes!”
Although O’Reilly continued to rant and rave throughout the custody battle about the liberal media and the hidden conspiracy of “pinheads” arrayed against him, the judge awarded custody of his two daughters to O’Reilly’s former wife Maureen McPhilmy.
“That asshole should never have been allowed to reproduce in the first place,” said the judge.