NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.
The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.
“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”
The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.
“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.
“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”
Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.