Twin Peaks Owners Rate Recruitment Party ‘Resounding Success’


WACO, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Bobby Joe Sphincter and Daryl Leroy Dimwit, co-owners of the Twin Peaks Biker Bar and Family Fun House in Waco, Texas, told CNN the motorcycle gang recruitment party that took place on Sunday was judged “an overall success” despite massive loss of life and nearly 200 arrests.

Nine people were killed and scores were injured during the wing ding on Sunday, but that did not seem to put a damper on recruiting, said Sphincter, who MC’d the event.

“You have to expect a few minor altercations whenever these rival gangs get together,” said Sphincter, who was wearing a tourniquet on his upper thigh to staunch the flow of blood from his femoral artery. “We took precautions by making the wait staff wear ballistic bras and panties on Sunday, and watering down the beer a little. I think all in all it was a great day, and we plan on having even more of these events in the future.”

Dimwit, Sphincter’s business partner, agreed.

“We like to promote membership in these vicious biker gangs because it helps our bottom line,” he said. “The more young people who can get involved in drug running and prostitution in this area, the better it is for us.”


The biker recruitment festival has always been a popular function in Waco. The only public event that draws larger crowds is the Annual Batshit Crazy Religious Cult Women and Children’s Barbecue held every 4th of July

Rufus “Friction Burn” Baker, rush chairman for the Devil’s Buttplugs based in nearby Lubbock, told reporters that his gang picked up some promising new members including two out of work pipe welders, a retired mortician, and a “damn good” meth cook.

“We couldn’t be happier,” said Baker. “We only lost three members in the shootout, and they were getting a little long in the tooth to be running around extorting shopkeepers and kidnapping illegal Messicans for the sex trade anyhow. I’m really a big fan of these little get-togethers ’cause they keep our members on their toes and they help give us that psychotic edge that we need to compete in today’s marketplace.”

Although all of the five gangs registered to participate in the event as well as the owners of the establishment declared it an unrivaled success, Twin Peak’s corporate office has decided to revoke Sphincter’s franchise over fears that the ATF and FBI will sit on the place and reduce cash flow.

“I’m not worried about that,” said Sphincter. “Daryl and I were already thinking about going out on our own and changing the name of the place. Right now the favorite seems to be Two Giant Scantily Clad Redneck Tits. What do you think?”




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