Killing Mrs O’Reilly

bill-oreilly-fox-news

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Three weeks ago, a Nassau County Supreme Court justice ended a bitter three-year custody dispute between Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly and his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, by granting custody of the couple’s two minor children, Pinhead and Talking Points, to McPhilmy.

Though nearly all documents pertaining to New York family court cases are sealed, and O’Reilly himself has issued a fatwā threatening the life of anyone who speaks publicly about the case, Gawker is reporting that the judge heard testimony accusing O’Reilly of physically assaulting his wife in the couple’s Manhasset home.

waterboarding2

O’Reilly water boarded his wife on a weekly basis in order to extract confessions regarding her membership in the liberal conspiracy that was out to get him

A source close to the court who wishes to remain anonymous because she fears for her life told Gawker that a court-appointed forensic examiner testified at a closed hearing that O’Reilly’s daughter Pinhead claimed to have witnessed her father dragging McPhilmy down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that the daughter was watching. The precise date of the alleged incident is unclear, but appears to have occurred before the couple separated in 2010. The same source indicated that Pinhead, who is 16 years old, told the forensic examiner about the incident within the past year.

Pinhead went on to explain to the examiner that O’Reilly water-boarded McPhilmy on a weekly basis while trying to extract various confessions from her regarding her love of rap music and what O’Reilly called her “socialist tendencies.”

“He would almost drown her time and again until she admitted she was part of the ‘War on Christmas’ or something equally bizarre,” Pinhead told the examiner. “After he got what he wanted out of her, he would put her in this barber chair that had a motor in it and spun her around and around until she threw up. He called it the ‘Spin-Dry Zone.’ It was just awful.”

Lonely sad red-haired girl at field

O’Reilly’s youngest daughter Talking Points wanders around in a dissociative fugue state most of the time. Psychologists believe it was brought on by being forced watch his show for hours on end while trapped inside a Skinner Box

The list of abominations carried out by O’Reilly was nearly endless, from the family having to answer bizarre questions about the deterioration of the black family while O’Reilly yelled at them to drown them out, to forcing them to watch him masturbate while he stared at himself in a full-length mirror.

O’Reilly’s younger daughter Talking Points was unable to corroborate her sister’s testimony because she is in a semi-permanent fugue state. Experts believe it was induced by her being catheterized, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch a loop of O’Reilly’s show for up to 72 hours at a time ever since she was three years old.

However, the judge in the case apparently did not need further corroboration of McPhilmy’s and Pinhead’s testimony in order to render judgement.

“Anyone who watches O’Reilly’s show knows he is a giant insecure prick who has some really severe psychological problems,” said the judge. “That in itself would not decide the custody case, because if it did I would have to remove children from the homes of the majority of Fox News’ on air talent. But the testimony of Ms McPhilmy and her poor daughter has convinced me that this manchild O’Reilly should come nowhere near his spawn until they are over 18 and able to tell him to ‘fuck off and die’ right to his face without fear of reprisal.”

O’Reilly is said to be appealing the decision and has threatened to kill everyone involved in the case as well as the entire staff at Gawker.

 

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