DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.
Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.
Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.
According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.
“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”
Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”
“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”
Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.