VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.
“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”
When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”
“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”
“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”
God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.