DARMSTADT, GERMANY – (CT&P) – From a dark and foreboding castle deep in the Odenwald, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice president on Monday, becoming the first declared female candidate to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for second-in-command.
“Yes, I am running,” Fiorina said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how unemployment benefits actually work. I understand the world, and all those lazy bastards who don’t have jobs in it.”
The ex-Silicon Valley executive and long-shot contender has never held public office. In 2010, she unsuccessfully ran for Senate in California, losing to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.
However, Fiorina thinks her lack of political experience and vicious incompetence in business makes her the right choice for vice president.
“I’m the perfect candidate for the job because I have little or no empathy for average Americans, and I’ll be able to deflect criticism from a Republican president when the party repeals Obamacare, guts social safety nets, criminalizes women’s reproductive rights, and leads us into war with Iran,” said the bizarre-looking Fiorina.
“I’m really excited to be part of a group of xenophobic science deniers who want to turn the United States into a nightmarish theocracy run by a combination of religious zealots and huge, faceless corporations who ship all their meaningful jobs overseas,” said the twitching Fiorina.
“I know there are several other unfeeling, pompous ass lunatics running for vice president, but I think I proved I’m the right kook for the job by firing thousands of workers and botching a merger deal while I was at HP. Hey, if I didn’t do a good job then how come I got that 21 million when I slinked away?”
As optimistic as she comes across in interviews, Fiorina has a snowball’s chance in Hell of becoming vice president.
At this point, it would be hard for Fiorina’s poll numbers to be lower, and most pundits believe that whoever wins the Republican nomination would choose an ISIS terrorist before teaming up with her.
Jason Burnett, grandson of Hewlett-Packard co-founder David Packard and mayor of Carmel, California, told CNN, “She fucked up a great company and I don’t want to see her fuck up a great country. That miscreant needs to stay in her castle with all the rest of the good doctor’s flawed creations.”