PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.
“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”
Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.
“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”
Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.
Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.
Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.
“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”