MOSUL – (CT&P) – Representatives from the Islamic State Sex Workers Union told reporters from Al Jazeera and CNN this morning that unless immediate steps were taken to improve pay and working conditions they would have to call a general strike.
Vincent van Goat, president of the union, and union spokeswoman Muriel appeared before journalists in Mosul this morning to list their grievances with Islamic State fighters and support personnel.
“We have provided the very best service any terrorist could expect considering the conditions out here in this Allah-forsaken wasteland,” said Muriel.
“We’ve shown our loyalty by following these lice-ridden religious zealots all over the desert providing comfort and favors to them before, after, and in some cases even during battle. Do you know how difficult it is to perform oral sex when a drone is hovering over your head?”
“That’s right,” said van Goat. “The Islamic State owes us at least the dignity of a living wage and better working conditions. Our nannies are sick and tired of having to strip and dance around deep inside escape tunnels and in hastily dug trenches out in the searing heat. And our billies are damn sick and tired of having their beards pulled during sex. It’s an insult.”
“We at least want some nice air-conditioned tents and a reliable source of grain and water before we continue the mission,” said Muriel. “And we want a Hooker’s Bill of Rights enforced by the Islamic State Labor Department that assures, among other things, that customers won’t use our horns as leverage during sex. That’s not what they’re there for!”
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, supreme leader of ISIS and a regular customer, responded to the demands via shortwave radio from deep inside his command cave somewhere out in the middle of fucking nowhere.
“I want to assure the leaders of the ISSWU and all its members that we are sorry for the rough treatment they have received in recent months and we will do everything in our power to make them happy. I was completely unaware of the problem. My precious Snowball has never voiced any of these concerns to me personally, but then again she is not out on the front lines like most of her coworkers.”
“I have issued orders that anyone mistreating an ungulate while having sexual relations with him or her will be burned alive or buried in the sand up to the neck near an ant bed. I feel this should take care of the problem at least for the time being,” said Baghdadi.
“I also want to apologize on behalf of my fighters. You have to remember that they are only stone-age savages who until recently were wiping their asses with their left hands. At least the Americans left plenty of toilet paper around along with all those weapons so that’s not a problem anymore. Anyway, you can rest assured that conditions will improve for all sex workers doing business in the Islamic State. Now tell me, who’s your Baghdadi?”
The ISSWU issued a press release this afternoon that stated if the reforms mentioned in al-Baghdadi‘s speech were adopted immediately there would be no need for a strike and sexual favors would continue unabated across battlefields and rear areas throughout the Middle East.
“We’re all relieved that the Supreme Leader has taken quick and forceful action,” said Muriel. “A work stoppage is the last thing anyone wants. We have families to support and we really don’t want to deny any terrorist at least a blow job before he’s immolated by an exploding tank or blown to smithereens by an American drone. It’s the least we can do for these idiots.”