GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.
“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.
None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.
“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.
The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.
Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.
Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.
John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.
Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.