Fox News Personality Eric Bolling Placed On Transplant List

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News personality Eric Bolling has been placed on a transplant list so he will be eligible to receive a new forebrain sometime in the near future. Although Bolling has exhibited symptoms of frontal lobe decay dating back to his first appearances on Fox, lately his ability to form coherent thoughts has deteriorated so badly that physicians now think he is a good candidate for a prefrontal cortex transplant.

Most of the physicians who have examined Bolling think that the transplant is his only hope of continuing his on-air career, because if he continues to deteriorate he will soon lose all higher brain function.

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Bolling’s brain function has deteriorated so badly that he has to use his fingers to count higher than the number three.

The prefrontal cortex is absolutely critical to the normal functioning of human brains. The most typical term for actions carried out by the area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social “control” (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

Among other problems, Bolling has consistently exhibited symptoms of a disease that psychologists call “Obama Derangement Syndrome,” a debilitating disease that has affected millions of old white people across the country, and is particularly prevalent among Fox News employees and viewers. Symptoms include an inability to engage in critical thought, an urge to blame President Obama for everything from catching a cold to the end of civilization as we know it, and knee-jerk opposition to the president no matter what he says or does.

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Bolling became so confused last week that he thought a parking ticket was actually a copy of the U.S. Constitution

“We saw a similar syndrome with liberals when Bush was in office,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Dr. Lizardo is leader of the team responsible for finding and transplanting brain matter from cadavers into people suffering from the disease.

“These unfortunate imbeciles are completely unaware that they are behaving like a paramecium subjected to a jolt of electricity. They just see Obama and automatically recoil like a dim-witted bovine licking an electric fence for the first time”

“We think that the disease gains a foothold in the forebrain because most of these folks are bigoted assholes, and then their overall ignorance and stupidity allows the syndrome to blossom into a full-blown malady that prevents them from being able to think at all. It’s tragic.”

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Other media personalities on the transplant list include Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh. The list of right-wing wacko politicians on the list is so long we don’t have room to list them all

Although Bolling is by no means the only Fox News employee currently suffering from the disorder, he exhibits the most extreme symptoms by far.

“He started out behind the eight ball because he was such an ignorant fuck to begin with,” said Lizardo. “And now ODS has effectively turned him into a babbling idiot. We expect that he will soon be wearing a diaper if we don’t get him a new brain really quickly.”

Although many transplant recipients have to wait months for new organs, Lizardo said that new brain parts are relatively easy to come by and are a breeze to install because they are replacing such decrepit parts to begin with.

“We’re not dealing with rocket scientists here,” said Lizardo. “Even a decomposing cortex from an uneducated cretin would be an improvement for Bolling. We’ll have the son of bitch back on The Five spouting infantile nonsense in no time.”

 

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