MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.
“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”
Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.
“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”
Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.
“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”
Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.
“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”
Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.
“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”