Cotton Denies Replicant Rumors, Agrees To Further Testing

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – A statement released today from Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) office in Little Rock vehemently denied that the senator is a Nexus series replicant or any other type of biorobotic android. The statement also denied that Senator Cotton was brain-damaged from his time in the service or suffered from any debilitating neurological disorder, and claimed that he was perfectly willing to undergo further testing to prove he was nothing but your average Arkansas cattle farmer.

Rumors have swirled around the junior senator from Arkansas from nearly the beginning of his political career because of his apparent inability to engage in critical thought. That, combined with an insatiable bloodlust for humans of Arab or Persian descent, has led many to believe that he is some sort of android manufactured in a lab.

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Artist’s rendering of Senator Cotton as he appears to most of our European allies.

It has even been posited by some conspiracy kooks that he may be the Antichrist, which they say is the only thing that could explain such a mediocre intellect’s meteoric rise to power within the U.S. Government.

The rumors and speculation had died down in recent weeks as his fellow Republicans took pains to water down his insane ideas and wild speculations. However, during a Thursday afternoon press conference all that changed. While outlining his plan to nuke every capital in the Middle East as well as Tehran as a warning to Muslims that “they better not fuck with us,” Cotton had an exchange with a reporter from the Washington Post that has reignited speculation that he may be some sort of malfunctioning robot.

WP reporter James Grimaldi, who has long suspected Cotton of being an android, asked Cotton a series of hypothetical questions designed to provoke an emotional response. Grimaldi conducted the impromptu Voight-Kampff test in order to prove once and for all that Cotton was indeed a “skin-job.”

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Rachel, Senator Cotton’s mistress, flatly denies that he is robot. “Once you get past all the bad ideas and bloodlust, he’s really a lovable guy,” she said.

Here is the text of the exchange between Grimaldi and Cotton:

Grimaldi: You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down…

Senator Cotton: What one?

Grimaldi: What?

Senator Cotton: What desert?

Grimaldi: It doesn’t make any difference what desert Tom, it’s completely hypothetical.

Senator Cotton: But, how come I’d be there?

Grimaldi: Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Maybe you want to kill some Muslims. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Tom. It’s crawling toward you…

Senator Cotton: Tortoise? What’s a tortoise?

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Senator Cotton’s longtime aide Leon told reporters that “all this replicant talk” is part of a liberal smear campaign designed to undermine the senator’s reputation as an intellectual and “deep thinker.”

Grimaldi: You know what a turtle is?

Senator Cotton: Of course!

Grimaldi: Same thing.

Senator Cotton: I’ve never seen a turtle… But I understand what you mean.

Grimaldi: You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help Tom, but you’re not helping.

Senator Cotton: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I’M NOT HELPING?

Grimaldi: I mean: you’re not helping! Why is that, Tom?

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Even some of his fellow Republicans have questioned Cotton’s plans for the Middle East and Iran.

At that point the senator began to tremble and sweat profusely. He then began opening and closing his mouth like a bass lying in the bottom of a boat. Aides to the senator quickly stopped the presser and escorted a visibly shaken Cotton off the stage and into a backroom.

Grimaldi later told fellow journalists that had he been allowed to continue the test, he was certain that he could have elicited a violent response, or perhaps even a complete shutdown of the senator’s systems.

“I’m more convinced than ever that Senator Cotton is some sort of robot,” said Grimaldi. “He’s not a Nexus 6 or anything, because he’s not that advanced, but I think he could be one of the early prototypes for the Nexus 4 or 5. I have an appointment over at the Tyrell Corporation and I hope to get to the bottom of all this shit sometime late next week. We really need to get a handle on this because last time one of these skin-jobs got loose she damn near became vice president. We just can’t allow these walking piles of junk to have any influence on foreign policy. The results could be disastrous.”

 

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