THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.
“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”
According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.
The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.
Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.
Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.
Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.
Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.
“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”
Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.
“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”