ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.
Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.
Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.
Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”
When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.
“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.
“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”
When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.
“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”
Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.
“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”
When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”