FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.
The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.
The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary. Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university. While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.
Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.
However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.
The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.
Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.
“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”
“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”
According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”
“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”
In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.
“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”
Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.
“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”