As Texans Brace For Invasion, Governor Abbott Puts National Guard On High Alert

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – (CT&P) – As Operation Jade Helm nears, Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) has put the Texas National Guard and various militia units on high alert in anticipation of a possible takeover by U.N. troops and members of Islamic extremist groups imported from the Middle East.

“We can’t afford to be taken by surprise by Obama’s Army of the New World Order who intend to, with the help of U.S. Special Forces, take away our guns and institute Sharia law,” said the unhinged governor. “This is just the first step in subjugating the American people and making them slaves to foreign countries. Obama has been planning this for years, and now it looks like the operation is underway.”

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Members of the Texas Patriot’s Militia from Lake Floating Turd north of Dallas drill to prepare for the onslaught of foreign fighters

Operation Jade Helm is the name for a long-planned military exercise spanning nine states and involving over 1200 special forces troops from four branches of the military. However, many weak-minded Tea Party fanatics, dunderhead Texans, and various doltish militia groups believe that it is a thinly veiled attempt to bring America to its knees by declaring martial law and confiscating citizen’s beloved firearms.

The Pentagon has done its best to allay these fears, going so far as to send out officers to assure idiots, cretins, imbeciles, and other Tea Baggers living in Texas that the exercise is meant to help the military become more proficient at protecting the very morons who are protesting.

At a meeting in Bastrop, Texas, a small dusty town known as “Turdville” to those living in surrounding communities, Lt. Colonel Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest, but the wise citizens of Bastrop weren’t falling for the obvious misinformation campaign.

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Even average Texas housewives are answering the call in Texas’ time of need.

Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police,” said Bob Wells, a Bastrop resident, after the meeting. “They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.'”

Bob’s hopes and dreams have apparently come true, because he is indeed a paranoid dumbfuck  conspiracy theorist on par with people like Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.

Throughout his presentation, Lastoria stressed that Jade Helm 15 is a routine exercise to prepare the United States for the difficulties of modern warfare, in which soldiers must maneuver through civilian populations rather than fight on a pitched battlefield. Texas, which he noted is 10 percent larger than Afghanistan, has an ideal topography, Lastoria said.

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Tea Party sign-makers have been hired to help recruit new troops to help defend the state

“The terrain is very challenging and it’s going to make our soldiers sweat, and sweating in peacetime is what we want because it’s going to reduce the bleeding in wartime,” he said.

After the meeting Lastoria expressed his concern that the Pentagon was spending so much time and money training troops to protect such a miserable group of paranoid redneck twits.

Lastoria, who is from Pennsylvania, told CNN that “If this is a representative sample of the residents of Texas, then I say we let them secede and form their own miserable country. I haven’t seen this level of paranoia and stupidity since we conducted Operation Circle Jerk in the panhandle of Florida. It’s really distressing.”

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Glenn Beck broke down in tears on his show yesterday while talking about the upcoming invasion. “This is the end of America,” he warned for the 329th time in his career.

Meanwhile in Austin Governor Abbott has scheduled a series of meetings with General Byron Buttplug, commander of the Texas National Guard, to plan a coordinated response once blue-helmeted U.N. troops appear and try to take over Dallas and other major Texas cities.

“I want to assure all Texans that we are ready to meet this threat,” said Abbott. “We will fight to the last man, woman, and child in order to keep Texas the backwards-ass state it’s been since we joined the Union.”

The plan calls for every able-bodied Texan to take up arms and kill anyone who looks like he could be from a foreign country or sympathetic to the current administration. If all else fails, all units are to converge on Glenn Beck’s Westlake home in order to make a desperate last stand against the forces of evil.

 

 

 

 

Fox News Personality Eric Bolling Placed On Transplant List

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News personality Eric Bolling has been placed on a transplant list so he will be eligible to receive a new forebrain sometime in the near future. Although Bolling has exhibited symptoms of frontal lobe decay dating back to his first appearances on Fox, lately his ability to form coherent thoughts has deteriorated so badly that physicians now think he is a good candidate for a prefrontal cortex transplant.

Most of the physicians who have examined Bolling think that the transplant is his only hope of continuing his on-air career, because if he continues to deteriorate he will soon lose all higher brain function.

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Bolling’s brain function has deteriorated so badly that he has to use his fingers to count higher than the number three.

The prefrontal cortex is absolutely critical to the normal functioning of human brains. The most typical term for actions carried out by the area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social “control” (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

Among other problems, Bolling has consistently exhibited symptoms of a disease that psychologists call “Obama Derangement Syndrome,” a debilitating disease that has affected millions of old white people across the country, and is particularly prevalent among Fox News employees and viewers. Symptoms include an inability to engage in critical thought, an urge to blame President Obama for everything from catching a cold to the end of civilization as we know it, and knee-jerk opposition to the president no matter what he says or does.

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Bolling became so confused last week that he thought a parking ticket was actually a copy of the U.S. Constitution

“We saw a similar syndrome with liberals when Bush was in office,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Dr. Lizardo is leader of the team responsible for finding and transplanting brain matter from cadavers into people suffering from the disease.

“These unfortunate imbeciles are completely unaware that they are behaving like a paramecium subjected to a jolt of electricity. They just see Obama and automatically recoil like a dim-witted bovine licking an electric fence for the first time”

“We think that the disease gains a foothold in the forebrain because most of these folks are bigoted assholes, and then their overall ignorance and stupidity allows the syndrome to blossom into a full-blown malady that prevents them from being able to think at all. It’s tragic.”

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Other media personalities on the transplant list include Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh. The list of right-wing wacko politicians on the list is so long we don’t have room to list them all

Although Bolling is by no means the only Fox News employee currently suffering from the disorder, he exhibits the most extreme symptoms by far.

“He started out behind the eight ball because he was such an ignorant fuck to begin with,” said Lizardo. “And now ODS has effectively turned him into a babbling idiot. We expect that he will soon be wearing a diaper if we don’t get him a new brain really quickly.”

Although many transplant recipients have to wait months for new organs, Lizardo said that new brain parts are relatively easy to come by and are a breeze to install because they are replacing such decrepit parts to begin with.

“We’re not dealing with rocket scientists here,” said Lizardo. “Even a decomposing cortex from an uneducated cretin would be an improvement for Bolling. We’ll have the son of bitch back on The Five spouting infantile nonsense in no time.”

 

Angry Judeo-Christian Deity Levels Kathmandu

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KATHMANDU, NEPAL – (CT&P) – A majorly pissed off Jehovah visited his wrath upon Nepal on Saturday in the form of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake centered approximately 50 kilometers to the northwest of Kathmandu, the capital.

Over 4,000 pagans are known dead, and the toll continues to rise as volunteers continue to dig through the debris of the unbeliever’s homes and heathen temples. Over one million idolatrous children are said to have been affected by the vicious and unfeeling act of God.

A senior official in Gorkha district, the location of the earthquake’s epicenter, told the AP he had heard reports of 70% of the blasphemer’s houses being destroyed.

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God is said to have been “a little ticked off” that the Nepalese parliament declared Nepal a “secular country” in 2006 and allowed religions other than Christianity to flourish

“Things are really bad in the district, especially in remote mountain villages,” Udav Prashad Timalsin said. “There are apostates who are not getting food and shelter.”

In the capital, water is becoming scarce and there are fears that sinful children in particular could be at risk of disease. Even residents of some of the city’s Republican upper class neighborhoods are sleeping on carpets and mattresses outside their homes.

Aid flights are coming in rapidly and in fact Kathmandu airport is running out of parking bays, so many aircraft are having to wait before getting permission to land.

At the Pashupatinath temple, one of the city’s oldest and most famous shrines to evil, cremations have been taking place since the morning. As the death toll rises, the authorities are keen on disposing of the bodies as quickly as possible to prevent a health hazard.

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American pastors explained that if the pagan Nepalese had only repented and “walked with Jesus” maybe they wouldn’t be walking over a bunch of corpses now

Although seismologists have warned that a large quake was overdue in Nepal, American preachers were quick to jump in to explain that seismologists were scientists and therefore could not be trusted. They insist the earthquake had nothing at all to do with plate tectonics but was the direct result of the Nepalese adopting religious beliefs that differed from their own.

Pastor Tony Miano of California-based Unhinged Ministries said that God was tired of people not following the King James Bible to the letter and refusing to obey God’s instructions delivered by ex-cops and wealthy television evangelists. He tweeted that he hoped not a single pagan shrine would be rebuilt and the people of Nepal would repent and worship the “Baby Jesus” from now on.

“Those people with their wacked-out new age religion are an affront to God,” said Miano. “It’s no wonder that Jehovah got pissed off and flattened their cities. Those people are idol worshipers and they’re just downright evil. Especially the kids.”

Pat Robertson offered a more reasoned explanation for the widespread devastation and loss of life on his hit TV show The 700 Club. Robertson was asked by a caller “why God didn’t take out more of those unbelievers like he did them Haitians?”

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Pastor and unbalanced ex-cop Tony Miano explained to reporters that sometimes God kills in mysterious ways, and we shouldn’t question his judgement because he’s been wiping out cities and committing genocide for eons. “The people of Nepal should be damn grateful that the victims were merely crushed to death rather than being burned at the stake or boiled alive like they deserved,” he said.

Robertson explained that God killed a lot more Haitians because they had entered into a contract directly with Satan by practicing voodoo.

“Just sitting around meditating and making weird noises is not near as bad as sticking pins in dolls and wandering around covered in goat’s blood looking like a zombie,” said Robertson. “Our God is a just deity and he didn’t want to punish these uneducated sherpas as badly as he did those evil minions of Lucifer in Haiti. After all, God is love.”

The earthquake also wreaked havoc on Mount Everest where 18 climbers, including four Americans, were killed by an avalanche at Base Camp.

The Reverend Franklin “I used to do drugs and hang out but finally figured out that I could make big bucks preaching the Gospel” Graham told CNN that the deaths on Everest were a direct result of Americans placing adventure travel above staying home and supporting extreme right-wing politics.

“It’s just a tragedy that God had to take this extraordinary action, but maybe it will teach everyone a lesson,” said Graham. “Maybe people will come to their senses and devote their lives to preventing homosexuals from getting married and eliminating health insurance for the poor instead of running all over the world climbing mountains.”

Meanwhile in Nepal aid is pouring in from all over the planet as the area experiences multiple aftershocks. The death toll will no doubt continue to climb, but at least the rest of the world can take comfort from the fact that almost all of the victims were pagans destined to burn in the fires of Hell anyway.

 

 

 

Dick Cheney Comes Out As Transhuman: ‘I am a demon’

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an hour-long interview with Diane Sawyer televised back to back with her two-hour special last night with Bruce Jenner, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that he was a “demon from hell” trapped inside a human body.

Cheney really opened up during the interview, and at times even dropped his human guise to reveal his true nature. In a symbolic moment at the start of his interview, Cheney admitted “Yes Diane, for all intents and purposes, I am a fiend spawned in the fires of Hell.”

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On several occasions during the interview Cheney dropped his human guise and let the public see his true nature.

For the Satan-worshiping community, the moment was almost as significant as when Hitler was elected president of Germany in 1934. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), widely believed to be the Antichrist, tweeted his support of Cheney, saying “I’m so proud of Dick. It’s high time  one of us came clean with the American people and let them know who we truly represent. He’s setting an example for Republicans everywhere.”

“My whole life has been getting me ready for this,” said Cheney, from my leadership and support of vile and evil oil companies who pollute the earth and are leading us headlong into planetary disaster, to my time as vice president where I lied my ass off and started a catastrophic war in Iraq.”

Cheney said he self-identifies as “Legion,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “demon” and “fiend,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the Satanic community, which believes that Satan worshipers and demons should be referred to by the terms with which they choose to identify.

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Cheney told Sawyer that he met with Satan in the in Oval Office whenever President Bush was out-of-town wreaking havoc at international summits.

“I’m just tired of living a lie,” said Cheney. “When our gracious Lord Lucifer generously ripped the heart out of another human so I could continue my mission on earth, I made the decision to ‘come out’ and let everyone know that I am a servant of the Prince of Darkness, humanity’s true Savior.”

Cheney told Sawyer that he plans on continuing his mission; supporting the torture and humiliation of human beings, the destruction of the environment, and encouraging useless and expensive wars all over the globe. He feels that even though he no longer holds office, he can be of service to other minions of Satan currently serving in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.

“The Republican Party still needs my help,” said Cheney. “There are countries all over the globe that we haven’t had a chance to bomb yet.”

Sawyer’s next special is scheduled for late summer, when she will do a five-hour marathon interview with Bill Cosby, in which he is expected to “come out” as a demonic incubus sent from Mephistopheles to have sex with sleeping women.

 

Koch Brothers To Acquire Nuclear Weapons

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WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside Koch Industries World Domination Headquarters in Wichita, Kansas, a spokesman for the Koch brothers told reporters that a dedicated team has been assembled to purchase nuclear weapons from former Soviet satellite states. Another team has been tasked to begin research and development of a modern version of the old Cold War neutron bombs made so popular by former President Ronald Reagan.

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Koch operatives are currently scouring old Eastern Bloc countries and making contact with Russian mafia leaders in order to acquire as many “suitcase nukes” as possible.

Dr. Raymond Turd, head of the company’s weapons division, said that around three dozen operatives were now scouring the old Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc countries for briefcase bombs and other “battlefield nukes,” such as atomic artillery shells, nuclear-capable short-range surface to surface missiles, and nuclear depth charges.

When asked why the Kochs felt the need to acquire nukes, Dr. Turd explained that the brothers were sick and tired of dealing with people who did not agree with their policies and their plans to turn America into a giant oligarchy with Koch Industries as its leader.

“The brothers are getting up there in age,” said Dr. Turd, “and they are fed up with pumping billions of dollars into a political system that still relies on the old-fashioned ideas of democracy and rule of law. The fact that poor people are allowed to vote has always griped their asses. So they have decided to cut to the chase and simply wipe out the opposition with nuclear bombs, starting with urban areas and the capitals of blue states.”

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Dr. Turd replaced Dr. Jonathon Rediman as head of the weapons division of Koch. Rediman’s failed attempt to bring back a xenomorph from LV-426 got him fired, and he is currently in a Koch Industries mental ward where all he does is repeat “You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly” all day long.

“We’re really excited by the idea of a new suite of neutron bombs,” continued Turd. “That way, we can kill all human and animal life in liberal areas of the country and colonize the undamaged cities with young right-wing wacko couples who have signed agreements to breed like hell. It’s truly and inspired plan.”

Apparently the plan has been on the drawing board at Koch Industries for quite some time, but was never taken too seriously until Hillary announced she was running on the Democrat ticket. With the 2016 presidential election looming, Koch’s “Committee of Public Safety,” led by one of the Koch’s distant cousins known only as “Robespierre,” initiated “Operation Dropkick,” as the plan is called within the Empire.

“None of us really thought they would go through with it because of the labor shortage and clean up costs associated with  killing all those people, but when the brothers saw the lineup of Republican clowns running for president, they just threw up their hands and said ‘fuck it,'” said Dr. Turd.

 

Scientists Confirm Limbaugh Slowly Morphing Into Giant Cane Toad

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”

Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.

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Rumors began circulating about Limbaugh’s health after he ordered a platter of live field mice in a five-star Miami restaurant just before Christmas.

“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”

Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.

“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”

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Limbaugh continues to insist that nothing is wrong with him but those who have seen him lately report that the metamorphosis is quite advanced.

Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.

“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”

Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.

“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”

 

 

Aviation Update: Fucking F-35 Can’t Fucking Run On Fucking Warm Fuel

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.

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Pentagon officials hope that someday the F-35 will be able to fire its cannon and fly right-side-up.

The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.

The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.

Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.

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Ground crews usually draw lots to see who is going to connect the hose to F-35’s because of the plane’s tendency to explode while being fueled.

“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”

“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”

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General Turgidson told CNN that regardless of whether the F-35’s ever gets off the ground, he thinks they are cool as shit and worth every penny.

Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.

When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”