NEW YORK, NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The New York Times is reporting that Fox News personality Andrea Tantaros is wanted for questioning regarding the serial murder of 11 Manhattan residents. Ms Tantaros’ current whereabouts are unknown, and police are warning the public that if she is spotted under no circumstances should she be approached. She was last seen leaving a nightclub in downtown Manhattan at around 2 A.M. on Saturday.
Tantaros, a co-host on the vacuous round table show The Five, is well-known for her inane comments and tenuous grip on complex subject matter. She also co-hosts a show called Outnumbered, but its ratings are so low that very few people know it exists, including many Fox employees.
New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton held a news conference early this morning regarding the string of murders and told reporters that his investigators had reason to believe that Tantaros was responsible.
According to the Bratton, the victims in the murder spree are all male ranging in age from 22 to 45 and were murdered over a period of seven months beginning in September. The most recent victim was discovered only late last week. The men were all killed in the same horrific fashion, having the salt drained from their bloodstream by means of suckers similar to the ones found on cephalopods.
“In every case, Tantaros was seen leaving a nightclub late at night with the victim,” said Bratton. “Our best guess at this time is that Tantaros is some sort of shape-shifting misanthrope from outer space who has come to our planet in order to feed on humans. She apparently requires salt to survive in the same way that a vampire requires human blood to live.”
Tantaros’ colleague and co-host on The Five Greg Gutfeld told The Daily News that he was not surprised by Bratton’s revelations.
“I knew that something was wrong with her,” said Gutfeld. “It’s rare that you see someone over thirty have such childlike opinions on political matters. I mean that gal is just downright dumb. I guess Roger hired her because of her looks, but that lamprey mouth she has just turns me off. Frankly, I’m scared of the woman.”
The public is being warned by the NYPD that although Tantaros is thought to be mentally deficient, she should be considered highly dangerous and should not be approached. If spotted, members of the public should dial 911 and proceed as rapidly as possible to a safe location, preferably not a restaurant or any establishment with salt shakers on its tables.