Indiana Makes Desperate Bid To Join Bible Belt


INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.


Governor Pence told reporters that the people of Indiana wanted to show solidarity with their ignorant asshole brothers and sisters down in the Bible Belt

“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.

The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.

“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”


Last night members of the Indiana Klan and several neo-Nazi organizations held a gala event celebrating the signing of the bill. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Melvin Smegma, owner of Melvin’s World Famous Fatback BBQ in Gary. “Now we can tell them filthy fags and Jews to go to hell right when they walk in the door!”

The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.

When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”

“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”

Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”

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