Cotton Denies Sending Cyanide Letter

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) issued a statement from his office in D.C. this morning flatly denying that he had anything to do with a letter addressed to the White House which contained cyanide. The letter tested positive for the deadly chemical at an off-site mail screening facility on Tuesday, according to the Secret Service.

“We have nothing to do with this letter, which contained 2.4 ounces of hydrogen cyanide in a Five Hour Energy bottle along with a note that said ‘Drink up, Mr. President,'” said the statement.  “We also have nothing to do with any pipe bombs, anthrax powder, or radioactive medical waste currently in route to the White House in various boxes measuring from 11 to 18 inches in length and 6 to 9 inches in width.”

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FBI analysts are currently comparing the handwriting on the cyanide letter to other letters written by Senator Cotton

Although Cotton and his office continue to vigorously deny accusations that he had something to do with the letter, the Secret Service is currently interviewing his family and staff both in Washington and Arkansas.

Agent Efrem Zimbalist III, who is coordinating the joint FBI-Secret Service investigation told reporters at a news conference today that they are making progress and arrests will be made in the near future.

“Senator Cotton has denied any knowledge of the letter, but crime scene technicians have confirmed that the same brand of purple crayon used in the Iran letter was used on the cyanide package,” said Zimbalist. “Handwriting experts are now comparing the writing on the outside of the package and the note it contained to the scrawls and doodles present on the letter addressed to Iranian leaders earlier this month, and we think we have a match.”

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Senator Cotton’s relatives and staff are being questioned by Secret Service and FBI agents in connection with the deadly letter. An interpreter from rural Arkansas has been brought in to try to facilitate communication with the ignorant hicks.

“The return address on the letter was simply ‘Arkansas’ and some of the same basic misspellings were present in both letters,” said Zimbalist. “There are also smudged fingerprints on the outside of the letter that contain a mixture of cow dung and milk chocolate that are a good match to the Senator’s.”

When asked how law enforcement was able to make such a quick determination of guilt, Zimbalist said that it wasn’t like they were dealing with someone who had a modicum of intelligence like Ted Kaczynski or Eric Rudolph.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here,” said Zimbalist, “Cotton is sociopathic, reactionary backwoods hick, not some master criminal. I think we’ll be able to wrap up the investigation rather quickly.”

Senator Cotton’s office said that he would unavailable to comment on the ongoing investigation as he just departed on a six month hunting trip deep in the Canadian wilderness.

 

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