Jesus Denies Funding Request For New Jet

 

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Jesus flatly rejected a 60 million dollar budget request for a Gulfstream G650 by the “Pastor” Creflo Dollar over the weekend, according to Saint Matthew, patron saint of accountants, bankers, and security guards. “He was unequivocal on the subject,” said St. Matthew. “I believe his exact words were, ‘he’ll get that jet just as soon as the next cold front hits Hell.'”

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For years Dollar has fleeced the faithful for his own benefit. He lives in a palatial estate in Atlanta and drives a Rolls Royce.

Christ’s denial of the request came during the regular Sunday afternoon meeting of the Divine Finance Committee, which reviews all monetary requests made by Christians during the preceding week.

On Friday, Dollar’s website unveiled Project G650, an “airplane project” that he claims has something to do with “Understanding Grace” and “Empowering Change.”

On the website, Dollar made his case: “The ministry’s current airplane was built in 1984, purchased by the ministry in 1999 and has since logged four million miles. Recently on an overseas trip to a global conference, one of the engines failed. By the grace of God, the expert pilot, who’s flown with Creflo for almost 20 years, landed the plane safely without injury or harm to any passengers.”

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Saint Matthew suggested that if Creflo the Cretin wanted to move from place to place while spouting his bullshit he could walk or buy a donkey. “If it was good enough for Jesus Christ it ought to be good enough for that money-grubbing son of a bitch,” said Matthew.

Dollar claims the private jet allows him to “safely and swiftly share the Good News of the Gospel worldwide” in a way that commercial aircraft just do not allow.

“The mission of Project G650 is to acquire a Gulfstream G650 airplane so that Pastors Creflo and Taffi (his wife) and World Changers Church International can continue to blanket the globe with the Gospel of grace,” Dollar’s website said. “We are believing for 200,000 people to give contributions of 300 US dollars or more to turn this dream into a reality—and allow us to retire the aircraft that served us well for many years.”

Saint Matthew told CNN that like most other requests for funds from “prosperity preachers,” this one was absolutely ridiculous, constituted an affront to God, and made mock of just about everything that Our Lord and Savior said during his brief ministry on the planet Earth.

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Saint Matthew told CNN that Lucifer can’t wait for Dollar and his colleagues in similar “prosperity” ministries to assume room temperature. “There is a special place in Hell for those cretins,” he said.

“The Lord told me in private that as far as he is concerned Dollar can use his feet or ride a donkey for transportation, and if he keeps stealing money from his flock next time both engines will fail on that flying abomination,” said Matthew.

 

“If bipedal locomotion was good enough for the Son of Man it ought to be good enough for a false prophet who enriches himself while neglecting the poor and oppressed people all around him,” continued the Saint. “The Savior would never use such language but I think the dude is an asshole. I know from talking to Lucifer that he has ‘a whole theme park full of red delights’ waiting for these money-grubbing bastards.”

 

When he was informed of the funding denial, “Pastor” Dollar quickly sent up a prayer for funds to purchase a much less expensive jet, a 2012 Learjet 60, which he claimed he could pick up for around 12 million.

Jesus is reported to have replied, “Nigga please!

 

 

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