THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.
The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.
For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.
Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.
Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.
Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.
In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”
“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”
Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”
During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.
As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”