TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA – (CT&P) – Governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott has added to the list of terms and phrases that employees of the State of Florida are forbidden to use in official communications. Governor Scott is also backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would make use of certain terms by residents or visitors to the state punishable by up to two years in prison.
The dysfunctional state recently made national news again when it came to light that Scott had banned the use of “climate change” and “global warming” in any emails or in print. As if this was not ridiculous enough, Scott has moved to increase the list to almost 500 “objectionable” words and phrases.
The new list is so extensive it threatens to abolish the use of the English language within state organizations.
Some examples of the new forbidden words and phrases include “evolution,” “the big bang,” “union,” “Obamacare,” “Democrat,” “liberal,” “black,” “Hispanic,” “civil rights,” “atheist,” “homosexual,” “gay,” “cloudy,” “hurricane,” “sea weed,” “sink hole,” “meth lab,” “trailer park,” “man-eating shark,” and “human sacrifice,” just to name a few.
“Human sacrifice” was personally added by Governor Scott at the last-minute because he is extremely sensitive to the rumors circulating that he regularly removes the beating hearts of undocumented farm workers late at night in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
The new bill in the legislature, sponsored by Senator R. W. Scrotum (R-Panama City Beach), would expand the ban from state employees to include all residents and visitors to the insane asylum masquerading as a state.
“It’s high time we got a grip on all this sedition and traitorous talk going on down har,” said Scrotum. “We in the Republican Party know what’s best for Florida, and I’ll be goddammed if we’re gonna listen to any more of this unpatriotic garbage. If people can’t have the decency to just shut the fuck up and do what we say, well then they ain’t welcome here.”
Businesses who count on tourist dollars to operate successfully within the state have protested the ban as well as the new bill, but Governor Scott has remained unmoved, saying “We’ve got our priorities right in the GOP. The world was a much better place before the Enlightenment. Besides, I’ll be out of office before any negative effects from ban take place.”
Florida has long been the laughingstock of the country and is commonly known as “that penis-shaped dystopian hellscape down there,” and these new moves by Scott and the legislature will do nothing but reinforce that attitude.
There is hope however. In less than a hundred years the whole fucking place will be under three feet of water and the rest of America won’t have to worry about it anymore.