SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).
“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.
“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”
Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.
In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”
Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.
The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.
President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.
Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.
McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.