Republicans Prove That They Are Ready To Govern By Funding DHS For An Entire Week


WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – House Republican leaders proved that they are ready to lead America on Friday by putting together a historic compromise that funded the Department of Homeland Security for an entire week. The House voted 357-60 to keep the DHS open by extending funding for a whopping seven days.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) was forced to turn to Democrats to pass the bill, because the kooky Tea Party members of the caucus refused to vote for it on the grounds that Hispanic people are inferior to whites and should not be allowed to stay in the country.


Boehner told reporters that he was proud that most of his caucus overcame its hatred of poor brown children long enough to consider the security of the United States

Boehner had hoped to fund the DHS for even longer than a week and indeed the Senate had approved a three-week extension earlier, but conservative Tea Baggers rejected that compromise hammered out by the Speaker because it didn’t go far enough in blocking President Obama’s executive orders on immigration.

Nevertheless, Boehner was ebullient when interviewed over the weekend at his favorite watering hole in Georgetown, the Rogue Elephant.

“I’m very proud that at least some members of our caucus managed to overcome their hatred of minorities long enough to consider the security of the United States,” said Boehner, as he swirled a brown substance around in his glass.

“This week we hope to patch together an even more momentous compromise which will fund the department for an entire month! That way we’ll have some time to vote on another repeal of Obamacare and get down to work putting together some important tax breaks for the Koch brothers and other members of the 1%.”


Mitch McConnell said that Boehner could count on his full support as long as Kentucky Romaine growers received federal farm subsidies for the upcoming year

Mitch McConnell, who was one stool over from the Speaker eating a salad, agreed.

“Uh…yeah…well…I just hope we’re able to slide that provision for those Romaine lettuce growers in there as well,” said McConnell, and then retracted his head inside his shell to take a nap.

“All in all I think this bill has shown just how concerned we are about the American people, and proves that we are mature enough to govern the country,” said Boehner. “I really look forward to the primaries so Americans can see just how great a Republican president would be.”

Pundits were not as optimistic as Boehner, however.

“You could not pay me enough to be in Boehner’s position,” said Chris Matthews. “Half of his caucus looks and acts like it just fell off the turnip truck. This group of idiots could not find its ass with both hands. God help us all if one of those clowns gets elected president. We’d all be doomed.”


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