Iranians Balk At Written Agreement, Reserve Right To Incinerate Tel Aviv

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LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.

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Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression after this morning’s announcement. “He was such a nervous wreck he had trouble finishing his latte,” said one reporter.

“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”

The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.

The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.

France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”

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“At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them,” said German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.

Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.

“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”

 

Fox News Commentator Andrea Tantaros Wanted For Murder In New York

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The New York Times is reporting that Fox News personality Andrea Tantaros is wanted for questioning regarding the serial murder of 11 Manhattan residents. Ms Tantaros’ current whereabouts are unknown, and police are warning the public that if she is spotted under no circumstances should she be approached. She was last seen leaving a nightclub in downtown Manhattan at around 2 A.M. on Saturday.

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Tantaros as she appears when she assumes human form

Tantaros, a co-host on the vacuous round table show The Five, is well-known for her inane comments and tenuous grip on complex subject matter. She also co-hosts a show called Outnumbered, but its ratings are so low that very few people know it exists, including many Fox employees.

New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton held a news conference early this morning regarding the string of murders and told reporters that his investigators had reason to believe that Tantaros was responsible.

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Tantaros apparently sucks the salt out of the blood of her victims the way she sucks the life out of any intelligent political discussion on Fox

According to the Bratton, the victims in the murder spree are all male ranging in age from 22 to 45 and were murdered over a period of seven months beginning in September. The most recent victim was discovered only late last week. The men were all killed in the same horrific fashion, having the salt drained from their bloodstream by means of suckers similar to the ones found on cephalopods.

“In every case, Tantaros was seen leaving a nightclub late at night with the victim,” said Bratton. “Our best guess at this time is that Tantaros is some sort of shape-shifting misanthrope from outer space who has come to our planet in order to feed on humans. She apparently requires salt to survive in the same way that a vampire requires human blood to live.”

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Fox News anchor and serial liar Bill O’Reilly told the New York Times that he thought Tantaros was being framed by the liberal media on instructions from Obama’s White House. “I think she’s awesome, just awesome,” said O’Reilly, and threatened to kill anyone in the media who said anything negative about her.

Tantaros’ colleague and co-host on The Five Greg Gutfeld told The Daily News that he was not surprised by Bratton’s revelations.

“I knew that something was wrong with her,” said Gutfeld. “It’s rare that you see someone over thirty have such childlike opinions on political matters. I mean that gal is just downright dumb. I guess Roger hired her because of her looks, but that lamprey mouth she has just turns me off. Frankly, I’m scared of the woman.”

The public is being warned by the NYPD that although Tantaros is thought to be mentally deficient, she should be considered highly dangerous and should not be approached. If spotted, members of the public should dial 911 and proceed as rapidly as possible to a safe location, preferably not a restaurant or any establishment with salt shakers on its tables.

 

Leonid Rogozov removing his own appendix at a Soviet research station in Antarctica; ca. 1961

Absolutely fascinating……

I hope to be remembered for my atrocities!

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From September 1960 until October 1962, Rogozov worked in Antarctica, including his role as the sole doctor in a team of thirteen researchers at the Novolazarevskaya Station, which was established in January 1961.

On the morning of 29 April 1961, Rogozov experienced general weakness, nausea, and moderate fever, and later pain in the lower right portion of the abdomen. All possible conservative treatment measures did not help. By 30 April signs of localized peritonitis became apparent, and his condition worsened considerably by the evening. Mirny, the nearest Soviet research station, was more than 1,600 km (1,000 mi) from Novolazarevskaya. Antarctic research stations of other countries did not have an aircraft. Severe blizzard conditions prevented aircraft landing in any case. Rogozov had no option but to perform the operation on himself.

The operation started at 02:00 local time on 1 May with the help of a driver and meteorologist, who were providing instruments and…

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Indiana Makes Desperate Bid To Join Bible Belt

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INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.

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Governor Pence told reporters that the people of Indiana wanted to show solidarity with their ignorant asshole brothers and sisters down in the Bible Belt

“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.

The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.

“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”

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Last night members of the Indiana Klan and several neo-Nazi organizations held a gala event celebrating the signing of the bill. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Melvin Smegma, owner of Melvin’s World Famous Fatback BBQ in Gary. “Now we can tell them filthy fags and Jews to go to hell right when they walk in the door!”

The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.

When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”

“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”

Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott To Shed Skin In Early April

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TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.

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Governor Scott usually just removes the heart and other organs of his victims while they are still alive, but during equinox celebrations the unlucky souls have their skin removed while they are restrained on a slab.

“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”

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Governor Scott’s old skins are auctioned off after each moulting. The proceeds benefit the children of those honored to be chosen as human sacrifices that take place deep within the bowels of the Governor’s Mansion

“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”

The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

 

 

Sunni And Shia Leaders Sign Historic Accord

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DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.

“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”

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Both sides expressed hope that the new agreement would ensure that the conflict would continue for generations to come, and many glorious martyrs would be sent to Paradise ahead of schedule.

Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.

“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”

Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”

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The leaders told U.N. observers that through the use of modern weapons such as atomic bombs and poison gas, the two religious factions could break the old casualty record set between Protestants and Catholics in the 17th century

Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.

“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”

Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.

“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.

No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.