LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.
“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”
The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.
The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.
France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”
German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.
Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.
“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”