Nifty New Map Reveals Isolated Pockets Of Intelligence Across Bible Belt

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TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.

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Donald Wildmon, president and founder of the AFA, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally intended to help like-minded bigots harass progressive organizations, but the plan has backfired.

The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.

Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”

“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”

It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.

The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.

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Stig O”Tracy told reporters that driving through the Bible Belt was like “traveling back in time to the Middle Ages,” and first time travelers should prepare for a shock.

“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”

Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”

Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.

“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”

“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”

 

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