VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.
“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”
God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.
Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.
His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”
After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.
Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.
The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”
“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”
“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”
“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”